Mothering with Momentum

MCA Women’s Conference
Santa Clara, CA

3/16/13

Mothering with Momentum: Nurturing the Emotional Lives of Ourselves and Our Children

Yasmeen Husain (Positive Discipline Certification, Director of Character Education at Granada Islamic School) 

& Shehnaz Khan (family law attorney in Santa Clara, domestic violence counselor)

Activity: 

1. Tell us some challenges you face. You woke up this morning, you told yourself you would be patient today, then you lost it - what made you lose it? Write those in the chart under Challenges.
2. What characteristics does an adult need in their life - write those under Characteristics.

Challenges	Characteristics
Not listening	generosity
lack of motivation	honesty
temper tantrums	patience
realistic goal setting	self esteem
undecisive	respect
sibling rivalry	compassion
media	pride in identity
jealousy	hardworking
influence of non-muslim  culture	open-minded
	responsible
not value time	able to prioritize
talking back	communication skills
	anger management
	self sufficient
	life-long learner

• Purpose of this activity: To reflect on everyday challenges. They happen. They exist and are a part of life. They will happen.
• The characteristics in the chart are the life long goals we have for our children
• When we discipline we should focus on these goals
• Dunya is filled with these challenges, but we need to think about the akhirah.
• We’re parents, we’re busy, we respond with patterns - the way we were parented or how it was back home
• Whatever challenge going on, the most important thing is the relationship with the child
• Never sacrifice the relationship for any reason, it’s not worth it
• The lesson you want to teach in that moment is to meet these goals
• The idea is to nurture our children the way we are nurturing a seed
• Looking at the way we are as muslim mothers. looking at the qur’an & tarbiya, as well as the latest in child psychology. They are all looking at parenting the same way
• Tarbiya - ideal approach of parenting. We know how gentle the Rasulullah (SAW) was but we are not applying this. Compassion, justice - so many stories from the seerah. but it’s all about making it real in your life.
• Analogy: the Redwood tree has as many roots as branches above. And connecting of the roots together under the ground is what allows them to grow so tall. We want these challenges to go away quickly and for our children to be perfect. But if we look at Rasulullah (SAW) and the Sahaba (RA), we have to slow down and keep focusing on the long term goals for our children for the akhirah. We need to slowly build the roots and connect them together to make a strong relationship. 
• Hadith: Rasulullah (SAW) saw a boy taking dates from a tree that was not his. Rasulullah (SAW) asks him why he’s taking dates. The boy says because he’s hungry. Rasulullah (SAW) tells him eat from the dates that fell already on the floor. Here we see that the Prophet (SAW) did not show anger, he asked a question. He put the focus on the boy and what is happening with him.
• At that moment when you are angry - is the child’s problem or is it your problem? 
• What makes you lose it? Mom’s stress, being tired, in a rush from too many activities, kids fighting, 
• Making the child feel guilt for doing something wrong is good. But shaming the child is not ok. 

Gender differences:

• How you plan your day needs to take into account the gender of your children. 
• Sometimes a boy needs a different setting, different environment, different activity than a girl.
• Depression symptoms in a boy different than for a girl.

Five Criteria for choosing an Effective Discipline Method

1. The method should help children feel a sense of connection
2. Is mutually respectful and encouraging. Don’t put the child down. Get down to their level and have a respectful moment. If you don’t give respect you won’t get respect. It’s ok to say i’m really angry now. You’re a human being. You can be honest and say I am really tired so i’m putting everyone on alert now. This is helping kids learn to deal with their emotions. Show then it’s ok to acknowledge feelings.
3. Is effective long term (make it into a teaching moment) 
4. Teaches important social and life skills
5. Invites children to discover how capable they are

• Positive parenting is so similar to the sunnah of the Prophet (SAW). Seek out the opportunities and resources in the community.

Psychiatrist advise (husband of Yasmin):

Healthy parent/child relationship builds emotional and spiritual resilience

1. Attachment

• It is the bonding of our children to us. When the child is in discomfort, the parent makes them feel secure and peace. A child without a strong attachment to the parents will not find that peace from their parents.
• Are we available to our children to bond with them?
• Are we putting our children as a priority? 
• A strong relationship will get us through all the challenges
• Be available to them when they are young, it will prepare us for when they are older. We don’t want to push our kids away because we always lost our temper with them. Because then when they need us, they won’t be picking up the phone and calling us, they will go to others. Reflect on attachment and work on it.
• Kisses, hugs, affection - especially for boys. Have your husband show affection to the children too. 
• Book “Wonder of Girls” by Michael Gurian. About the moral development of girls. Unless the child has secure attachment, their moral thinking cannot fully develop. Good self esteem will enable them to navigate their way later on. 

2. Communication

• You model the correct communication with children. Be willing to put yourself out there.  
• Why is it you versus them? Why don’t you get them to help you. Be honest with them - we are in a hurry, i am getting frustrated, help me get out the door. This teaches them we are a family, we are together. You don’t have to be in control of everything - get the kids involved. 

3. Problem Solving

• When we don’t get along with someone we get angry. We need to learn problem solving. It needs to be taught. We have to teach them how to problem solve. When kids fight and you solve the problem - you are not teaching them anything. Let them discuss it and find a solution. Communication is key. 

• Confict is an opportunity for us to learn, take it as a chance to teach a lesson. 
• Allah gave our children to us as an amanah- trust. 
• Also, take care of your emotional state so you can develop a good support network. So we can model fairness and compassion. Seek help: friends, playgroups, programs, therapist if needed.