Balancing Parenting Shaykh Yaser Birjas

ILM FEST 2015

Shaykh Yaser Birjas

MCA Santa Clara, CA

1/10/15

Balance with our Children

You are only ready for parenting when you become one. There is no escape, no return. Many people delegate their parenting roles to sunday school, schools, and after school programs. So if something happens, who is to blame? 

How to understand parenting

1. Being a parent is a PRIVELEGE, not a right, and not a punishment. Allah is the One Who created the heavens and the earth. He created whatever He wishes. He gives gifts of female children to whomever He wishes and male children to whomever He wishes. Or He chooses to mix them. Or He chooses for them not to have children.’ 
2. Raising children is YOUR religious duty. Not your parents’ duty. Not Sunday school’s duty. This is your personal duty. Seeking help and assistance is ok. ‘O you who believe, protect yourself and children from fire’ is a command to parents. 
3. Parenting is all about LEADERSHIP. Many people they go and work so hard to learn child psychology. It’s all about leadership. You need to learn about being a leader in your house. ‘Each of you is a shephard, and each will be responsible for his flock.’ And the imam/governor is responsible for his followers and will be asked. The man is the leader in his household and will be asked about his leadership. And the woman is also a leader in the house and will be questioned on her leadership. So where can I learn this? Leadership is the most easy thing to find in bookstores, community college classes, etc. even from non muslim sources. It is a universal issue.
4. It’s a FULL TIME job. So if I come home from work it doesn’t mean I can take a break from being a mother or a father. Parenting takes a pair of people to do it. May Allah bless the single parents who have taken on the role of the mother and father. Even if you get divorced, you cannot quit parenting.
5. Parenting is a skill you need to ACQUIRE. Many of us go to college for four years then get a graduate degree in order to get a full time job. But parenting, they don’t even try to learn about it, they think you can just learn on the job. Today most of our younger generations are not raised by people, they are raised by movies/tv/computer. You need to study of the meaning of being a successful parent. The Prophet (S) said ‘Knowledge is acquired through learning. Patience is acquired through training.’

My Top 10 Parenting Tips

1. Avoid the burn out phenomena in parenting. Each of us has a moment in life where you wish you didn’t have children. Those who don’t have children are dying to have a child, and those that have children wish to give them away. How to avoid burnout? The Prophet (S) said ‘Your Lord has a right on you, your body has a right on you, and your family has a right on you, so give each the right that is due to them.’ You need to care for yourself in many ways. You need to view yourself as an individual, a spouse, and a parent, and give each their rights. Sometimes I need my own time. Your wife needs to go out and take a break. In these modern times things are very different. Be physically active, have spiritual moments, take a break from the children (ok to outsource that for temporary time). Children have own time with you. Spouse own time with you. And time for yourself.
2. Parents should always be on the same page. What is #1 reason parents are not on the same page? They are too busy. Then the mother undermines the authority of the father. Then the father undermines the authority of the mother. That means you are too busy to sit down and talk and be on the same page. Set the rules together and help each other.
3. Parenting is not about splitting time equally. And it’s not about - i’ve been with the children 5 hours so you need to be with them 5 hours. We need to focus on quality. Quality time that leaves memories. 
4. The best parenting technique is to love their mother. And the best technique for the mother is to respect their father, which is a way that a man understands love. Then the kids will grow up in a safe healthy environment. Love for your spouse will be the leverage of support for you. If there’s no love, then kids can and will use your spouse against you. They can manipulate the relationship. But if you have that love, then you can have the control.
5. You need to be physically fit. The Prophet (S) said three times ‘The mother, the mother, the mother’. Mothers are superwomen. So physical health is very important. In the time of the Prophet (S) their life was natural. When they eat they eat like they are on diet. Today we pay money to go on diet. Just because you like it doesn’t mean you eat it. When kids start running all over the place, you need to be physically fit. So you have to have some time, half an hour, 30 min a day of exercise, the natural way of exercise - walking. Back then they had to walk and go down mountains etc.. 30 minutes is all you have to do. Usually when the kids come from school, it’s after Asr and you are so tired. You need to be physically fit so that you’re always there.
6. Do not romanticize parenting. Parenting is real. It is difficult. It’s a task. 
7. You need to raise kids who love dawah. Many send their kids to islamic schools thinking that they children will become great muslim role models. But the problem is they end up being not active in the community. They are tired of it. They are all day in the masjid. And the parents then rely on the school and are not active in teaching their children. So if you put your child in an islamic school, you have to stay active in the community and be active in teaching them their religion. 
8. Raise them to be content, not to be happy. You can’t make your kids happy - you can’t. But you can make them content. Parents do everything with the expectation that they will get gratitude and kindness from their children, then they get disappointed. We need to raise them to be satisfied, to have gratitude. If you always get them what they ask for, you can never reach that level. When they have gratitude, they will be excited with whatever they get. One time, I spent all this money to take them to disney and the most happy moment was in a playground playing in the sand. 
9. Don’t feel guilty because you are too busy. Guilt leads parents to spoil their kids. And spoiling them will not lead them to be happy. Make no excuses, instead make time. Both mothers and fathers. For a working mother, there is still the expectation for her to be the most active parent. But if you spoil your children too much you will build enemies. You will see the ugly side of rebellion.
10. Avoid the distractions and you will find the time. The time is there, you are just wasting it. #1 time killer - social media. I am receiving a lot of counseling requests saying ’My wife is addicted to whatsapp/viper/chatting.’ If you take these out, you will see how much time you really have. 

Use these principles and guidelines to make a program to balance your parenting. 1) Don’t make it too organized. Don’t overkill the schedule. Allow for some spontaneity. If the kids want to chase bugs, it’s ok have fun with the kids. 2) Expect to make adjustments. 3) Make a calendar. Plan the breaks, so that when it comes you already have planned what you will be doing with the kids.