Balancing Parenting Shaykh Yaser Birjas

ILM FEST 2015

Shaykh Yaser Birjas

MCA Santa Clara, CA

1/10/15

Balance with our Children

You are only ready for parenting when you become one. There is no escape, no return. Many people delegate their parenting roles to sunday school, schools, and after school programs. So if something happens, who is to blame? 

How to understand parenting

1. Being a parent is a PRIVELEGE, not a right, and not a punishment. Allah is the One Who created the heavens and the earth. He created whatever He wishes. He gives gifts of female children to whomever He wishes and male children to whomever He wishes. Or He chooses to mix them. Or He chooses for them not to have children.’ 
2. Raising children is YOUR religious duty. Not your parents’ duty. Not Sunday school’s duty. This is your personal duty. Seeking help and assistance is ok. ‘O you who believe, protect yourself and children from fire’ is a command to parents. 
3. Parenting is all about LEADERSHIP. Many people they go and work so hard to learn child psychology. It’s all about leadership. You need to learn about being a leader in your house. ‘Each of you is a shephard, and each will be responsible for his flock.’ And the imam/governor is responsible for his followers and will be asked. The man is the leader in his household and will be asked about his leadership. And the woman is also a leader in the house and will be questioned on her leadership. So where can I learn this? Leadership is the most easy thing to find in bookstores, community college classes, etc. even from non muslim sources. It is a universal issue.
4. It’s a FULL TIME job. So if I come home from work it doesn’t mean I can take a break from being a mother or a father. Parenting takes a pair of people to do it. May Allah bless the single parents who have taken on the role of the mother and father. Even if you get divorced, you cannot quit parenting.
5. Parenting is a skill you need to ACQUIRE. Many of us go to college for four years then get a graduate degree in order to get a full time job. But parenting, they don’t even try to learn about it, they think you can just learn on the job. Today most of our younger generations are not raised by people, they are raised by movies/tv/computer. You need to study of the meaning of being a successful parent. The Prophet (S) said ‘Knowledge is acquired through learning. Patience is acquired through training.’

My Top 10 Parenting Tips

1. Avoid the burn out phenomena in parenting. Each of us has a moment in life where you wish you didn’t have children. Those who don’t have children are dying to have a child, and those that have children wish to give them away. How to avoid burnout? The Prophet (S) said ‘Your Lord has a right on you, your body has a right on you, and your family has a right on you, so give each the right that is due to them.’ You need to care for yourself in many ways. You need to view yourself as an individual, a spouse, and a parent, and give each their rights. Sometimes I need my own time. Your wife needs to go out and take a break. In these modern times things are very different. Be physically active, have spiritual moments, take a break from the children (ok to outsource that for temporary time). Children have own time with you. Spouse own time with you. And time for yourself.
2. Parents should always be on the same page. What is #1 reason parents are not on the same page? They are too busy. Then the mother undermines the authority of the father. Then the father undermines the authority of the mother. That means you are too busy to sit down and talk and be on the same page. Set the rules together and help each other.
3. Parenting is not about splitting time equally. And it’s not about - i’ve been with the children 5 hours so you need to be with them 5 hours. We need to focus on quality. Quality time that leaves memories. 
4. The best parenting technique is to love their mother. And the best technique for the mother is to respect their father, which is a way that a man understands love. Then the kids will grow up in a safe healthy environment. Love for your spouse will be the leverage of support for you. If there’s no love, then kids can and will use your spouse against you. They can manipulate the relationship. But if you have that love, then you can have the control.
5. You need to be physically fit. The Prophet (S) said three times ‘The mother, the mother, the mother’. Mothers are superwomen. So physical health is very important. In the time of the Prophet (S) their life was natural. When they eat they eat like they are on diet. Today we pay money to go on diet. Just because you like it doesn’t mean you eat it. When kids start running all over the place, you need to be physically fit. So you have to have some time, half an hour, 30 min a day of exercise, the natural way of exercise - walking. Back then they had to walk and go down mountains etc.. 30 minutes is all you have to do. Usually when the kids come from school, it’s after Asr and you are so tired. You need to be physically fit so that you’re always there.
6. Do not romanticize parenting. Parenting is real. It is difficult. It’s a task. 
7. You need to raise kids who love dawah. Many send their kids to islamic schools thinking that they children will become great muslim role models. But the problem is they end up being not active in the community. They are tired of it. They are all day in the masjid. And the parents then rely on the school and are not active in teaching their children. So if you put your child in an islamic school, you have to stay active in the community and be active in teaching them their religion. 
8. Raise them to be content, not to be happy. You can’t make your kids happy - you can’t. But you can make them content. Parents do everything with the expectation that they will get gratitude and kindness from their children, then they get disappointed. We need to raise them to be satisfied, to have gratitude. If you always get them what they ask for, you can never reach that level. When they have gratitude, they will be excited with whatever they get. One time, I spent all this money to take them to disney and the most happy moment was in a playground playing in the sand. 
9. Don’t feel guilty because you are too busy. Guilt leads parents to spoil their kids. And spoiling them will not lead them to be happy. Make no excuses, instead make time. Both mothers and fathers. For a working mother, there is still the expectation for her to be the most active parent. But if you spoil your children too much you will build enemies. You will see the ugly side of rebellion.
10. Avoid the distractions and you will find the time. The time is there, you are just wasting it. #1 time killer - social media. I am receiving a lot of counseling requests saying ’My wife is addicted to whatsapp/viper/chatting.’ If you take these out, you will see how much time you really have. 

Use these principles and guidelines to make a program to balance your parenting. 1) Don’t make it too organized. Don’t overkill the schedule. Allow for some spontaneity. If the kids want to chase bugs, it’s ok have fun with the kids. 2) Expect to make adjustments. 3) Make a calendar. Plan the breaks, so that when it comes you already have planned what you will be doing with the kids.

Balancing Family and Dawah

ILM FEST 2015

Shaykh AbdulBary Yahya

MCA Santa Clara, CA

1/10/15

Balancing Family and Dawah

• Make up lack of quantity with quality. Any time that you have with your family, make it a quality time. Quality time is making it special. It doesn’t have to be a vacation or expensive trip. Taking them to the park, museum, out to eat, doing things with them. Spending the little time that you have making sure it is quality time. When it is quality time, your family will start looking forward to being with you. And when you are away, they know that when you do have time with them it is always special. So maybe the other parents are with their children more, but we have more special times with our children. That way you have more time for your Lord, your work, and your community.
• Choose a spouse that has the inclinations toward Da'wah. If you want to have a balanced life in terms of your da’wah life and family life, it starts with your spouse. You have to look for someone who has something in common with you in dawah, serving the community, and seeking knowledge. If it’s someone who is not practicing and you start thinking - maybe I can influence them.. then be prepared for a lifetime project. It’s possible but it will be a long project. So look for someone who has the inclinations of da’wah. And when you are spending time together benefitting the community, you are doing it together and doing things which both of you love and enjoy.
• Involve your whole family in your community work. Abu Bakr was always serving Islam and the Muslims, but was also serving his family. When the Prophet (S) made hijrah to Medina the family of Abu Bakr (RA) helped them in this. He cried because he was so happy to have this opportunity to accompany the Prophet (S), to  help and serve the Prophet (S), tears of happiness. Aishah (RA) said, I never knew a man could cry from happiness. Serving Islam and Muslims is a blessing from Allah. Abu bakr (RA) wanted to raise his family with that mindset. So he himself appointed Asmaa to bring food to the cave, put his son in charge of bringing news, and put his freed slave in charge of bringing the flock to the area to erase the foot print track and bring milk to the Prophet (S). So he was having his family help him and accompany him.
• Remember to remind your family. “Save yourselves and your family from the hell fire.” How can we teach others and bring light to other and our house is dark? Everyone is responsible. The mother, the father, everyone has responsibilities. And you have to take care of those responsibilities. But how can we teach our children when we are so busy? If we go to a halaqa, what we can do is, whatever we learn we go home and we teach. At least the main points. If your wife is not at the Friday Jum’ah khutba, you are obligated to tell her the points from the khutba. And if you do that, you will be able to focus more in the khutba because you know you have to teach your family. If you have that mindset you yourself will be a better student of knowledge. 
• For example, look at the story of Abdullah Ibn Wada’a. There was a tabi’ee named Sayyid Ibn al Musaib- the most knowledge of those who met and studied with the companions of the Prophet (S). He had a daughter. The son of the Khalifa wanted to marry her. But Sayyid sent him back and said he didn’t want his family tied with the khalifa’s family. Sayyid had a student whose his wife had just passed away. But he was poor and said ‘Who would marry his daughter to me when I only have 3 dirham.’ So Sayyid said ‘I would’. So Sayyid married his daughter to him and brought her to Abdullah’s house. Abdullah Ibn Wada’a was amazed. The girl that the Khalifa wanted for his own son was going to marry him. His mother didn’t even know about it yet because it all happened so quickly. Then his mother heard and comes, and says the girl has to spend three days with her first. So she went to stay with her mother in law. Then she brought her back and gave her approval. Then the time of the halaqa comes, the wife says ‘Where are you going?’ He said ‘To the halaqa of your father.’ She told him ‘All the knowledge of my father is right here in front of you.’ Sayyid taught all his knowledge to his family! 
• Have questions ready for your children. But what do I teach them? They are at school all day and I come home tired. My father whenever we would get in the car, he would have questions ready for us. Benefits of this: 1) to keep us quiet. 2) to teach us at the same time. When I took my test for the drivers’ license, I passed without even studying. When trips were long, my father would run out of questions. So he would ask us - you see that dotted line with the solid line next to it, do you know what that means? Then he would explain it. What does that sign mean? It means there is a curvy road again. Then i realized, that’s how I passed the test, because my father ran out of deen questions and started asking us questions about the road, explaining to us all the rules and all the signs and marks. He would get deep sometimes in his deen questions- What are the conditions of salatul janaza.. When you start looking for questions, you are learning. You don’t have to do it only in the car. if you are at home, have a question ready for your children when they come home. If you run out of questions, you can go into other subjects. That way you are spending quality time with them and teaching them at the same time. Then you start remembering all these facts. And they will be very educated and have lots of information that will help them in this life and the hereafter. This is exactly what the Prophet (S) used to do. He did not always teach them in halaqas. A boy was riding behind the Prophet (S) and he turned around and told him, ‘O young boy, I am going to teach you few things - take care of your obligations to Allah and Allah will protect you and take care of you.’ So you don’t have to have specific times, but make the time that you have a time to remind them. You have to have a household that is strong and knowledgeable. When they are more knowledgeable, they are more understanding of all you do in your work and the community. 
• What should I focus on? My life is falling apart and I have so many obligations, what should I focus on. Hadith - that Allah said, ‘O children of Adam, devote yourself to My worship and I will put ghina satisfaction in your heart and I will keep poverty away from you. And if you do not devote yourself, I will fill your hands with all sorts of things will make you busy and you will always feel worried of poverty.’ What is worship of Allah - doing everything you can to please Allah. So no matter what you’re doing, ask yourself ‘Is this pleasing to Allah?’. Then it is considered worship. So focus on pleasing Allah. It’s not wrong to be rich, it’s something you should be thankful for, and this is the key - you have to be thankful for it. Any blessing that Allah gives you, it will not harm you if you thankful for it. How can you be thankful? How to show it? Use those blessings in the obedience of Allah. If you have children, teach them to be obedient to Allah. When you are thankful, Allah will increase it for you. Call people and remind people and be at the service of Islam and Muslims and devote yourself to dawah and the community but don’t forget your family. You make time for your work and other things, we have to also make time for our family. Every one of us will be asked about our family members on the day of judgement. So we need to give them their rights. If you don’t have a lot of time with your family, make up the lack of quantity with a larger quality. Put smiles on their faces and also put time quality time for yourself. Sometimes the things that you enjoy are also at the same time things they enjoy and at the same time will be giving our children their rights. 

Yasmin Mogahed: Building a Balanced Personality

Building a Balanced Personality

Ustadha Yasmin Mogahed

ILM FEST 2015

MCA Santa Clara, CA

1/10/15

Why do our youth have unbalanced personalities?

- We go to Sunday school and we are given a list. A list of halal and haram. A list of do's and don'ts. We are taught about hellfire when we don’t yet understand the mercy of Allah. So we haven’t been given a full picture of what Islam really means or who Allah really is. What is our purpose? What does Islam really mean? The youth are growing up and they have these concepts misunderstood.

- If you are constantly telling your children you better not mess up because the police will get you. And you use it to control your children. the whole idea of like the police is coming to get you… how are they going to feel about the police when they grow up? They will grow up with an idea of avoidance of the police. We create this kind of relationship for our kids with God. Parents mean well but they think this is the way we have to teach. I want to control their behavior so I use Allah. We are teaching them to want to avoid or stay away from Allah. Because their fear is not balanced with hope and the other characteristics of Allah.

- So kids grow up and they want nothing to do with religion. It just looks like just a bunch of rules. Boiled down to how you dress, eat, rituals and that’s it. And the heart of islam has been lost. Why do I do these things? And how do I motivate myself from the inside out?

- We teach them from the outside in, we start with the rules, when it should be the opposite. Look at how Muh (S) was instructed, it did not start with the rules. If the first verses were revealed you cannot drink alcohol or zina, then no one would have listened at all to the message. The first verses that were revealed were about building a relationship with Allah and a concept of what this life is and what the next life is and who Allah is and what my relationship with Allah is. If you study the makkan verses they were about belief. Then when rules come down, we can say we hear and we obey.

- When you love someone, think about human love, then you will do whatever pleases them and you will find happiness in pleasing them and fear in displeasing them, without force. But tell someone to do something difficult for someone they don’t love is very hard. Is it hard for a mother to take care of her baby? Do you have to pay her to do? No. And she doesn’t quit, because of love and mercy, because she loves her baby.

- Begin with the love of Allah, when you build that foundation, then you can start introducing the rules. So later when they migrated to madinah, then they were told to give up alcohol, about hijab, riba, zina, they immediately hear and obey, sami3na wa ata3na. We hear accounts of how they would immediately submit to the commands. This is what happens when you love someone. When you don’t love someone it becomes a burden.

- The problem today is our worship has become a burden. Because we haven’t built the relationship and attachment to Allah. We are trying to do this whole thing the wrong way. We teach rules and think that’s how we are going to make an lslamic personality. How do we make it easy to follow those rules.

- Hadith we grew up learning - where p(S) says the haram is clear and halal is clear and what is between is the doubtful matters. If we don’t want to fall into the haram we should not go close to doubtful matters. So staying away from doubtful matters will protect us from falling into the haram. When I first learned this hadith, I did not know there is more to the hadith. But there is more to the hadith - indeed in the body there is a lump of flesh, if sound then the rest of body is sound, if corrupt then the rest of the body is corrupt.

- The first part of the hadith is about halal and haram. The second part tells us how
how to make it easy to stay away from haram. The answer - if you rectify the heart, the entire body will be rectified. The heart serves a very important purpose. The heart is the command center of the body. If you work on that lump of flesh, it will affect the rest of the body.

- That’s the reason why we are told in the Quran on tongue of Ibrahim (AS). ‘and do not disgrace me on the day when they are all brought back, the day where wealth and children will be of no benefit. except for the one who comes to Allah with a heart that is sound.’ that is the only thing that will benefit a human being.

- So why am I here? To build a sound heart. So that when you return to Allah you will be successful. Anything else won’t matter in the end. What’s going to matter, that when you return to Allah, what is the condition of your heart.

Practical ways to build this type of heart and personality.

- Allah and His messenger have already given us a description of balance. The secret has already been given us. We are like the one who the doctor gives us a prescription and we put it in the drawer and forget about it.

- If we study the physical world, we will learn about the spiritual world. Because there is one Creator. So if we want to know how to take care of our heart we can look at how we can take care of our body. What is the urgent thing we need to stay alive - breathe. Oxygen is the most important need to keep the body alive. Same thing with the heart, heart also needs oxygen. So #1 what is the oxygen of the heart? The remembrance of Allah is the oxygen of the heart. So a person who is not remembering Allah or not remembering Him enough, it’s like someone who is not getting enough oxygen, they get very weak and can become sick.

- ThikrulAllah includes all remembrance of Allah first and foremost in Salat. You can’t have the discussion about the path to Allah without Salat. Because the first question we are asked about on the day of Judgement is Salat. If the person’s salat is in order then he will be successful. and if not then they fail. We often get caught up in our work, our dawah, community work. If you get so caught up in your planning that you miss your salat, this shows a mis-alignment of our priorities.

- The Fard is first. Hadith - the things which Allah has made obligatory, the 5 prayers, treatment of parents, will be the way to get to Allah. ‘Then my slave continues to do the extra things (nawafil) and continues to do that until I love him. Then I become his hearing, sight and what he wants I will give him.’ But you can’t go through that process unless you start with the fard. You have to do it in the way Allah has prescribed. You have to start with salat. Then going into thikr and dua. The more thikr we do the more oxygen we are pumping into the heart. 

- When we look at how we approach salat, it’s very problematic sometimes. Would you ever hear, I’m at the mall right now so I'm not going to breathe right now. I’m at an important meeting so I’ll breathe later when I get home. We don’t say this because we would die if we stopped breathing! Surat al Baqarah paraphrased ‘if we are going to benefit from the book at all, we have to have a very strong belief in the unseen’ just because you don’t see the heart dying, doesn’t mean it’s not dying, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

- We take care of our body, but we neglect our spiritual soul. Example: ramadan. We miss fajr what is your reaction? It’s the end of the world because you missed suhor. Let’s be real. Some will even start crying as they think about having to go so many hours without eating and drinking. So for one month it would be the end of the world to miss fajr. The day after eid -you miss fair what is your reaction? The point is if I miss fair for one month it’s the end of the world because I missed a meal. But the rest of the 11 months we’re cool in missing fajr. It’s no problem if my heart misses a meal. 

- What happens to your body in 100 years, it becomes a part of the ground, it’s not going to be alive. You can’t argue with that. What happens to your soul , it remains, it goes to a different realm but it continues to exist. I have one thing, the body, that is temporary, and I have another that is lasting. Which one am I taking care of? We are so concerned about taking care of the body- what is passing away, and we have neglected what is lasting. It’s a misunderstand of reality. My concerns and worries are about things that are passing away. Except for Allah and what I did for Allah. So if I look at what gives me anxiety, worry, concerns me.. what is it about?

- Hadith about the two groups: there are some who make this life their primary concern, and others who make the hereafter their primary concern.

- When this life is your primary concern:
1) Poverty will be put between their eyes. Very interesting expression. What would happen if I always have something hanging in front of my eyes? I would always see myself as poor. I never feel like I have enough. Feeling that no matter what you have it’s never enough. It’s a lack of satisfaction and contentment. You cannot have true contentment while the heart is in love with dunya. I keep running after money but I still feel poor. There’s always something else to get. There’s always a new model and I never feel like I have enough.

2) Your matters become scattered. Internally, externally, emotionally scattered.

3) Nothing of this life will come to you except what was decreed for you anyways.

- When you make the hereafter your primary concern:
1) Allah puts contentment in their heart. No matter what hardships they face in their life, internally they are at peace. 

- I have a friend who’s daughter was born normally but when she turned 3 the school tells her your daughter suddenly stopped talking. Doctor says she has rare genetic disorder where she will slowly lose all her faculties until she dies, and most likely won’t live beyond age of 12. Then she has a second daughter, at age of 3 again stops talking. Doctor tells her second daughter also has MPS. Then she has a third daughter, also stops talking and also has MPS. She has to watch each and every one of them lose their faculties. All 3 of them are older now and are in wheelchairs, they can’t even swallow. They can’t swallow their saliva or else they will choke. So she has to constantly suction. I thought - have you ever thought about thanking Allah for being able to swallow your saliva?! Then she had a 4th child with severe autism. Btw, this woman is always smiling. I visited her, she said, 'I’m drowning in gratitude.'' It blew me away, because we have nothing close to her life. We get in a traffic jam and we get upset. She is happier than all the people who have the money and power. How is that possible? That is the sign of the existence of Allah. if Allah puts contentment in the heart, you are at peace no matter what happens.

- There is a troubling trend of celebrities dying of drug overdoses. Why? Why are they killing themselves? They have the things we are running after. Isn’t that what we spend our days and nights running after why aren’t they happy? Because you can’t get contentment of heart while chasing dunya.

2) Your affairs get in order. Matters will become easier for you. Some people say I am so busy. The answer is give a little extra time for thikr. Allah is the creator of time. Allah controls time. He can expand and contract time. Allah can allow you to do more in the same amount of time, it’s called baraka. When you give to Allah, Allah puts blessing. If you are having money problems, give a portion to sadaqa, Allah will increase it. P(S) told us that sadaqa does not decrease wealth. Same with time. When you give time for the sake of Allah, He increases your time.

3) The dunya comes to the person even if it hates to. The more you run after dunya the more it runs away from you. The more you run after Allah, dunya runs toward you. I’m talking about focus of the heart - the hadith is not talking about actions, it’s talking about your primary concern, the focus of your heart - what you stay up worrying about. When you go toward akhirah you get akhirah and this life. So what is the better deal?

- In taking care of the body, we need something else, we need to clean the body. What if someone said I don’t need to take a shower today because I did that last month. You don’t say that because you will get stinky and no one will come close to you. You will be building dirt on your body. The same with the heart. There is dirt that builds up on the heart, and that is from sin. The heart gets dirty. The way to clean the heart is through istighfaar and tawba. Repentance cannot be done once in ramadan and then you leave it for the rest of the year.

- In taking care of the body, we also need to protect it. What happens if I roll around in the dirt? Or go out in the cold without proper dress? I will be harming my body. Same with the heart, we need to protect the heart. We have to put guards around the heart. We wear clothes to protect us from the cold. When I have an expensive jewel I put it in a box in a safe, we lock our doors at night, we put a security system, we put a fence - layers of protection. Our protection for the heart is the daily athkar. That’s why it’s called hisnul muslim, the fortress of the Muslim.

- Then we have to protect the openings of the heart - the eyes, the ears, the mouth, and the environment. If I’m not guarding my mouth, it’s like pouring poison into my mouth. When I’m not guarding my ears, it’s like pouring poison into my ears. When I am not guarding my eyes, it’s like pouring poison into my eyes. So when I look at the haram, it affects my heart.

May Allah guide us to build sound hearts and balanced personalities in us and our children. 

Mothering with Momentum

MCA Women’s Conference
Santa Clara, CA

3/16/13

Mothering with Momentum: Nurturing the Emotional Lives of Ourselves and Our Children

Yasmeen Husain (Positive Discipline Certification, Director of Character Education at Granada Islamic School) 

& Shehnaz Khan (family law attorney in Santa Clara, domestic violence counselor)

Activity: 

1. Tell us some challenges you face. You woke up this morning, you told yourself you would be patient today, then you lost it - what made you lose it? Write those in the chart under Challenges.
2. What characteristics does an adult need in their life - write those under Characteristics.

Challenges	Characteristics
Not listening	generosity
lack of motivation	honesty
temper tantrums	patience
realistic goal setting	self esteem
undecisive	respect
sibling rivalry	compassion
media	pride in identity
jealousy	hardworking
influence of non-muslim  culture	open-minded
	responsible
not value time	able to prioritize
talking back	communication skills
	anger management
	self sufficient
	life-long learner

• Purpose of this activity: To reflect on everyday challenges. They happen. They exist and are a part of life. They will happen.
• The characteristics in the chart are the life long goals we have for our children
• When we discipline we should focus on these goals
• Dunya is filled with these challenges, but we need to think about the akhirah.
• We’re parents, we’re busy, we respond with patterns - the way we were parented or how it was back home
• Whatever challenge going on, the most important thing is the relationship with the child
• Never sacrifice the relationship for any reason, it’s not worth it
• The lesson you want to teach in that moment is to meet these goals
• The idea is to nurture our children the way we are nurturing a seed
• Looking at the way we are as muslim mothers. looking at the qur’an & tarbiya, as well as the latest in child psychology. They are all looking at parenting the same way
• Tarbiya - ideal approach of parenting. We know how gentle the Rasulullah (SAW) was but we are not applying this. Compassion, justice - so many stories from the seerah. but it’s all about making it real in your life.
• Analogy: the Redwood tree has as many roots as branches above. And connecting of the roots together under the ground is what allows them to grow so tall. We want these challenges to go away quickly and for our children to be perfect. But if we look at Rasulullah (SAW) and the Sahaba (RA), we have to slow down and keep focusing on the long term goals for our children for the akhirah. We need to slowly build the roots and connect them together to make a strong relationship. 
• Hadith: Rasulullah (SAW) saw a boy taking dates from a tree that was not his. Rasulullah (SAW) asks him why he’s taking dates. The boy says because he’s hungry. Rasulullah (SAW) tells him eat from the dates that fell already on the floor. Here we see that the Prophet (SAW) did not show anger, he asked a question. He put the focus on the boy and what is happening with him.
• At that moment when you are angry - is the child’s problem or is it your problem? 
• What makes you lose it? Mom’s stress, being tired, in a rush from too many activities, kids fighting, 
• Making the child feel guilt for doing something wrong is good. But shaming the child is not ok. 

Gender differences:

• How you plan your day needs to take into account the gender of your children. 
• Sometimes a boy needs a different setting, different environment, different activity than a girl.
• Depression symptoms in a boy different than for a girl.

Five Criteria for choosing an Effective Discipline Method

1. The method should help children feel a sense of connection
2. Is mutually respectful and encouraging. Don’t put the child down. Get down to their level and have a respectful moment. If you don’t give respect you won’t get respect. It’s ok to say i’m really angry now. You’re a human being. You can be honest and say I am really tired so i’m putting everyone on alert now. This is helping kids learn to deal with their emotions. Show then it’s ok to acknowledge feelings.
3. Is effective long term (make it into a teaching moment) 
4. Teaches important social and life skills
5. Invites children to discover how capable they are

• Positive parenting is so similar to the sunnah of the Prophet (SAW). Seek out the opportunities and resources in the community.

Psychiatrist advise (husband of Yasmin):

Healthy parent/child relationship builds emotional and spiritual resilience

1. Attachment

• It is the bonding of our children to us. When the child is in discomfort, the parent makes them feel secure and peace. A child without a strong attachment to the parents will not find that peace from their parents.
• Are we available to our children to bond with them?
• Are we putting our children as a priority? 
• A strong relationship will get us through all the challenges
• Be available to them when they are young, it will prepare us for when they are older. We don’t want to push our kids away because we always lost our temper with them. Because then when they need us, they won’t be picking up the phone and calling us, they will go to others. Reflect on attachment and work on it.
• Kisses, hugs, affection - especially for boys. Have your husband show affection to the children too. 
• Book “Wonder of Girls” by Michael Gurian. About the moral development of girls. Unless the child has secure attachment, their moral thinking cannot fully develop. Good self esteem will enable them to navigate their way later on. 

2. Communication

• You model the correct communication with children. Be willing to put yourself out there.  
• Why is it you versus them? Why don’t you get them to help you. Be honest with them - we are in a hurry, i am getting frustrated, help me get out the door. This teaches them we are a family, we are together. You don’t have to be in control of everything - get the kids involved. 

3. Problem Solving

• When we don’t get along with someone we get angry. We need to learn problem solving. It needs to be taught. We have to teach them how to problem solve. When kids fight and you solve the problem - you are not teaching them anything. Let them discuss it and find a solution. Communication is key. 

• Confict is an opportunity for us to learn, take it as a chance to teach a lesson. 
• Allah gave our children to us as an amanah- trust. 
• Also, take care of your emotional state so you can develop a good support network. So we can model fairness and compassion. Seek help: friends, playgroups, programs, therapist if needed.