Balancing Parenting Shaykh Yaser Birjas

ILM FEST 2015

Shaykh Yaser Birjas

MCA Santa Clara, CA

1/10/15

Balance with our Children

You are only ready for parenting when you become one. There is no escape, no return. Many people delegate their parenting roles to sunday school, schools, and after school programs. So if something happens, who is to blame? 

How to understand parenting

1. Being a parent is a PRIVELEGE, not a right, and not a punishment. Allah is the One Who created the heavens and the earth. He created whatever He wishes. He gives gifts of female children to whomever He wishes and male children to whomever He wishes. Or He chooses to mix them. Or He chooses for them not to have children.’ 
2. Raising children is YOUR religious duty. Not your parents’ duty. Not Sunday school’s duty. This is your personal duty. Seeking help and assistance is ok. ‘O you who believe, protect yourself and children from fire’ is a command to parents. 
3. Parenting is all about LEADERSHIP. Many people they go and work so hard to learn child psychology. It’s all about leadership. You need to learn about being a leader in your house. ‘Each of you is a shephard, and each will be responsible for his flock.’ And the imam/governor is responsible for his followers and will be asked. The man is the leader in his household and will be asked about his leadership. And the woman is also a leader in the house and will be questioned on her leadership. So where can I learn this? Leadership is the most easy thing to find in bookstores, community college classes, etc. even from non muslim sources. It is a universal issue.
4. It’s a FULL TIME job. So if I come home from work it doesn’t mean I can take a break from being a mother or a father. Parenting takes a pair of people to do it. May Allah bless the single parents who have taken on the role of the mother and father. Even if you get divorced, you cannot quit parenting.
5. Parenting is a skill you need to ACQUIRE. Many of us go to college for four years then get a graduate degree in order to get a full time job. But parenting, they don’t even try to learn about it, they think you can just learn on the job. Today most of our younger generations are not raised by people, they are raised by movies/tv/computer. You need to study of the meaning of being a successful parent. The Prophet (S) said ‘Knowledge is acquired through learning. Patience is acquired through training.’

My Top 10 Parenting Tips

1. Avoid the burn out phenomena in parenting. Each of us has a moment in life where you wish you didn’t have children. Those who don’t have children are dying to have a child, and those that have children wish to give them away. How to avoid burnout? The Prophet (S) said ‘Your Lord has a right on you, your body has a right on you, and your family has a right on you, so give each the right that is due to them.’ You need to care for yourself in many ways. You need to view yourself as an individual, a spouse, and a parent, and give each their rights. Sometimes I need my own time. Your wife needs to go out and take a break. In these modern times things are very different. Be physically active, have spiritual moments, take a break from the children (ok to outsource that for temporary time). Children have own time with you. Spouse own time with you. And time for yourself.
2. Parents should always be on the same page. What is #1 reason parents are not on the same page? They are too busy. Then the mother undermines the authority of the father. Then the father undermines the authority of the mother. That means you are too busy to sit down and talk and be on the same page. Set the rules together and help each other.
3. Parenting is not about splitting time equally. And it’s not about - i’ve been with the children 5 hours so you need to be with them 5 hours. We need to focus on quality. Quality time that leaves memories. 
4. The best parenting technique is to love their mother. And the best technique for the mother is to respect their father, which is a way that a man understands love. Then the kids will grow up in a safe healthy environment. Love for your spouse will be the leverage of support for you. If there’s no love, then kids can and will use your spouse against you. They can manipulate the relationship. But if you have that love, then you can have the control.
5. You need to be physically fit. The Prophet (S) said three times ‘The mother, the mother, the mother’. Mothers are superwomen. So physical health is very important. In the time of the Prophet (S) their life was natural. When they eat they eat like they are on diet. Today we pay money to go on diet. Just because you like it doesn’t mean you eat it. When kids start running all over the place, you need to be physically fit. So you have to have some time, half an hour, 30 min a day of exercise, the natural way of exercise - walking. Back then they had to walk and go down mountains etc.. 30 minutes is all you have to do. Usually when the kids come from school, it’s after Asr and you are so tired. You need to be physically fit so that you’re always there.
6. Do not romanticize parenting. Parenting is real. It is difficult. It’s a task. 
7. You need to raise kids who love dawah. Many send their kids to islamic schools thinking that they children will become great muslim role models. But the problem is they end up being not active in the community. They are tired of it. They are all day in the masjid. And the parents then rely on the school and are not active in teaching their children. So if you put your child in an islamic school, you have to stay active in the community and be active in teaching them their religion. 
8. Raise them to be content, not to be happy. You can’t make your kids happy - you can’t. But you can make them content. Parents do everything with the expectation that they will get gratitude and kindness from their children, then they get disappointed. We need to raise them to be satisfied, to have gratitude. If you always get them what they ask for, you can never reach that level. When they have gratitude, they will be excited with whatever they get. One time, I spent all this money to take them to disney and the most happy moment was in a playground playing in the sand. 
9. Don’t feel guilty because you are too busy. Guilt leads parents to spoil their kids. And spoiling them will not lead them to be happy. Make no excuses, instead make time. Both mothers and fathers. For a working mother, there is still the expectation for her to be the most active parent. But if you spoil your children too much you will build enemies. You will see the ugly side of rebellion.
10. Avoid the distractions and you will find the time. The time is there, you are just wasting it. #1 time killer - social media. I am receiving a lot of counseling requests saying ’My wife is addicted to whatsapp/viper/chatting.’ If you take these out, you will see how much time you really have. 

Use these principles and guidelines to make a program to balance your parenting. 1) Don’t make it too organized. Don’t overkill the schedule. Allow for some spontaneity. If the kids want to chase bugs, it’s ok have fun with the kids. 2) Expect to make adjustments. 3) Make a calendar. Plan the breaks, so that when it comes you already have planned what you will be doing with the kids.

Khushoo' in Other Parts of Your Life, Giving Advice, Stress, Relationships, and Feeding the Soul

Thursday Halaqa Notes

3/7/13
MCA Santa Clara, CA
Sr. Dana Jarrar

This halaqa had a mix of topics: Khushoo' in other parts of your life, Giving advice, Stress & Worry, Relationships, and Feeding the Soul.

Khushoo' in other parts of your life

• Khushoo' is tawadu' lillah: humility towards Allah. Salat needs humility, but also the other parts of our life need humility too.
• We can make ourself humble by accepting everything that Allah decrees for us. 
• In ibadah we need to have khushoo', and in the other areas of our life we need Ikhlas.
• In the book "Al-Ihsan" by Mohammad Hassan, he mentions that one way to get khushoo' is to control your shahawaat- desires. We all have desires. We don't have to eliminate them- no one can do that - but we need to try to control them. 
• We can control our desires by changing our Niyya, intention, before we do it and making du3a and/or thikr while we are doing it. For example if we love shopping, we can say that we are doing this shopping for our family, silat al-rahm. We can also make du3a and thikr while shopping - to keep remembering Allah and being thankful for giving us the ability to go shopping and the money to spend. 
• The other way to turn a desire into something beneficial, is to take this love and ability that you have and use it for a good purpose. For shopping, you could help the schools, or other community project that needs people to do shopping or other things that you are good at.
• For the love of food, we can change our Niyya too. We can say that we are eating this food to be strong to be able to worship Allah. When we exercise we should say that we are trying to lose weight and build muscle to be able to pray qiyam ul layl.
• But the best way to discipline yourself in food, and other desires, is to fast. When you fast, you are developing taqwa - because you know that Allah is watching you.
•  We should train our kids to fast little by little. So that by 12 years old they would be able to open the refrigerator and say no I won't eat. They will realize that Allah is watching them.

Giving Naseeha, Advice

• Giving advise is a part of being humble, having tawadu3, humility. If you see your sister doing something wrong, Islamically, if we don't tell her then we are essentially saying 'let her keep making this mistake so that I can stay better than her' This is arrogance. Or we don't speak up because we are afraid of what people will think about us - our image. Or we don't speak up because we are afraid of ruining the relationship. But these both show that you are caring more about what people think than in helping your sister. 
• We need to train ourselves to accept Naseeha and give Naseeha. We should be like sisters, helping each other towards reaching Allah. We should not be afraid of ruining our image or ruining our relationships. And if that happened, we shouldn't be worried about it because that is their problem. 
• But we need to do it in the right way. We need to make her feel like you are like her and made a similar mistake, and ask her to tell you if you make a mistake too. So when we give naseeha, we should take care to have a good intention, say it in a nice way, choosing the right place and time, and with a humble heart. 
• Remind yourself that she came to advise you because she loves you and wants khair for you. Don't let the shaytan make you upset. 
• One of the causes of depression is 3adam al Ikhlas, a state where you don't think about Allah in what you do - where your whole purpose is to please people. But even if you got praise and attention from everyone from the moment you were born until death, that is not going to help you with pleasing Allah. 

Stress & Worry

• We have to be between hope and fear. Remember that Allah is Ghafooron Raheem, Forgiving and Merciful and Allah is shadeedul 3iqaab, strong in punishment. Use this worry as an opportunity to think deeply about the situation. Check your priorities, and see what you can do more in. We have to check ourselves - what are we doing with the blessings that Allah gave us? Are we using them to take us to Allah? 
• If you did something wrong in the past, ask Allah to forgive you, try to fix it if you can with the people that were affected, and remember that Allah is Ghafooron Raheem. Think about it and see what is the lesson that you can learn from this and try to do better.

Relationships

• Your heart is a treasure, keep it only for Allah. Our relationships with others are getting too deep - to the degree that any small mistake looks huge in your eyes. Your heart has to stay for Allah only. One or the other. Our relationships in this day and age are unfortunately for masaalih, benefits.
• If someone hurt you, remember that Allah is your companion- complain to him, talk to Him. Take a break to think and fix your heart. Then go back and reconcile with her. Make du'a for her. And don't talk about her (or at least don't mention her name).
• These problems between people, sometimes it's because we have too much free time. And because our relationships are materialistic. We need to busy ourselves with good things.

Our Soul, Ruh

• Allah created us with a heart, brain, stomach, and soul and we have to take care of ALL of these.
• When we were growing in our mother's womb, we started with a physical body that was just a lump of flesh. Then Allah put our souls - the Ruh. It was this Ruh that gave the body meaning and made it alive.
• We are spending over 70% of our time on something that is the dead part of us- the body, instead of the Ruh, our soul -which is the alive part of us. 
• We are focusing on our physical body only. What to wear, what to eat, what products to use on our hair and bodies and skin, exercising, dieting, and where to go or what to do for entertainment, etc. But we are forgetting that we also need to take care of our brains, our heart, and our soul.
• BRAIN: The message from the society is - love your body. But if we used our brains to think, all these materialistic things are really just dirt if you think about it. Clothes, food, material objects - all can be crushed to dirt. So we need to use our brains more and think more about what we are spending our time on. But our heart tells us to ignore our brain and not let it ever think. And just like we feed our stomach, we also need to feed our brains with beneficial knowledge.
• HEART: If your heart is not filled with love of Allah, it fills up with love of other things. So we need to check our attachments to other things and our relationships, and change them to be for Allah. Let's try to develop a real love with our spouses, friends, and family - like the love between the Sahaba, where we work together in the path to Allah. And don't think that if Allah gives you something, He loves you, and if He didn't give you what you want then He doesn't love you. Allah gives to us and takes from us or withholds from us - all for our benefit, if you think of the big picture including the Akhirah, hereafter.
• SOUL: this is the most neglected part - the Ruh. We need to take care of our Ruh by worshipping Allah, the One who created this Ruh. Ibadah, worship, builds the Ruh. In our Salat, we have taken out our Ruh - we just go up and down, up and down. We need to put it back in our Salat. 
• May Allah purify our hearts and give us tawadu3 (humility) and Ihsan (perfect faith), and feel the sweetness of faith in our hearts before we die. Ameen.   

Relationships for the Sake of Allah

Thursday Halaqa Notes

3-14-13
MCA Santa Clara, CA

Sr. Dana Jarrar

Relationships: The Muslim is the Brother of the Muslim

Hadith:

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ 

لَا تَحَاسَدُوا وَلَا تَنَاجَشُوا وَلَا تَبَاغَضُوا وَلَا تَدَابَرُوا وَلَا يَبِعْ بَعْضُكُمْ عَلَى بَيْعِ بَعْضٍ وَكُونُوا عِبَادَ اللَّهِ إِخْوَانًا الْمُسْلِمُ أَخُو الْمُسْلِمِ لَا يَظْلِمُهُ وَلَا يَخْذُلُهُ وَلَا يَحْقِرُهُ التَّقْوَى هَاهُنَا وَيُشِيرُ إِلَى صَدْرِهِ ثَلَاثَ مَرَّاتٍ بِحَسْبِ امْرِئٍ مِنْ الشَّرِّ أَنْ يَحْقِرَ أَخَاهُ الْمُسْلِمَ كُلُّ الْمُسْلِمِ عَلَى الْمُسْلِمِ حَرَامٌ دَمُهُ وَمَالُهُ وَعِرْضُهُ

صحيح مسلم

On the authority of Abu Hurairah (radiAllaahu anhu) who said: The Messenger of Allah (sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam) said:

“Do not envy one another, and do not inflate prices for one another, and do not hate one another, and do not turn away from one another, and do not undercut one another in trade, but [rather] be Slaves of Allah and Brothers [amongst yourselves]. A Muslim is the brother of a Muslim : he does not oppress him, nor does he fail him, nor does he lie to him, nor does he hold him in contempt. Taqwa (Piety) is right here [and he pointed to his chest three times]. It is evil enough for a man to hold his brother Muslim in contempt. The whole of a Muslim is inviolable for another Muslim : his blood, his property, and his honor.” Related by Muslim

• Why are these deep heart issues like envy next to issues about buying and selling? Because our relationships have become based on materialistic things. 
• The lowest form of a relationship is when you love someone just because they give you money. But for most of us living here in America, we don’t give each other money, but we need emotional support sometimes. When our friend is in a good situation, she is our sister. But when she goes through a difficulty and needs support then we forget about her. We love someone just because they  
• The highest form of a relationship, and the best one: when two people put their hands together to go in the path to Allah. 
• The relationship between you and Allah is easier than between you and the people. People are more complicated. 
• Example: A sister used to praise you and now she doesn’t. So you go and talk about her and stop loving her.
• But even our relationship with Allah has become materialistic. If Allah gave me, I do everything. If He didn’t give me, then I stop doing Ibadah or trying to have khushu3. Do you need a great news or a check in the mail to be able to make sujud to Allah? If you woke up this morning, safe, and breathing in your home then that is a big blessing! 
• When are we going to grow up? We need to treat each other as adults. We need to control our emotions. Don’t blame it on your hormones. If someone hurt you, that doesn’t give you a right to hurt others. 
• Wa ma khalaqna al ins wal jinn illa liya3budun, Allah said He didn’t create humans and jinn except to worship Him. We should compete towards doing good. Instead of competing to get praise. 
• Ikhlas (sincerity) - if people praise you, that doesn’t increase your good deeds. If people don’t praise you, that doesn’t decrease your good deeds. We put our hands together to help each other up. So if one hand fell out, there will be another hand to help her up.
• The right relationships - walk in them to reach Allah. If a sister came and gave me Nasiha, i will tell her jazaki Allahu khair. Then i will know that she is a real friend. She won’t care about her image or hurting the relationship.
• La yathlimu - don’t take other’s rights. Don’t talk about them behind their back.
• Soo’ al than - don’t assume people have bad intentions.

Causes of Pain in Relationships

• 1. When the relationship is based on things other than coming to Allah. We here in America, we make friends to take the place of our families. Then when they go on vacation we don’t talk to them one word. Or she moves to another area. At least ask about them, if you really loved them. If there was really something between you and her for Allah, and you were doing something together for Allah, then you could never forget her. You have to make the effort.
• 2. When we let the relationship get too deep. A friend comes to you, she says uhibbuki fillah, I love you for the sake of Allah, and hopefully it is really for Allah not just a love based on benefits. Then we talk everyday. And I start expecting 100% support from this person. But people are human, they make mistakes. So when she makes a small mistake, I blow it up into a huge thing and start hating her. 

How to have pure relationships for the sake of Allah

• What does it mean uhibbuki fillah? It means there is something between them for Allah. Like the story of when two sahaba were in the market and one said to the other - Let’s remember Allah together and get ajr together. Then if this friend made a mistake, it means I don’t oppress her and take her rights, talk about her, and talk about her children. It could be that we see each other once a month - but we have something together, there is a place in our hearts for each other. You can’t expect others to always ask about you. So keep a decent relationship, respect, know how to differ, know how to work together, but keep some limits. Don’t put high expectations: don’t expect her to call you always and when you are sick she has to cook for you and pick up your children. Don’t expect anything from anyone. 
• We need to have confidence in ourselves - that we don’t need our friends to give us self-esteem. From the inside our hearts are still 7 years old. We are growing older but we are having the same problems as when we were in school. These are skills in life that we need to learn and practice. 
• The other problem is we need to have goals - something in our life that will take our time and energy. When we have too much free time then we get into too much socializing and that results in problems in relationships. Where it gets to the point where if my friends leaves me my whole life shuts down. We can get a degree, study tafseer, tajweed, etc. With such a goal in my life, if a friend hurts me or leaves me, I can easily move on and keep going toward my goal. 
• We need to keep an eraser that erases any situation that hurt us. If a friend does something, think - that is Allah trying to give me a message. It needs a lot of work. We need to be smart. Sometimes Allah gives us opportunities - we have to take advantage of them. 
• Elevate our relationships from being based on food. In the hadith, the Prophet didn’t talk about deep things in relationships - just salam, etc. For ex: lets get together once a week with my friend and talk about Surat Al Ikhlas - doing something together for Allah. 
• Idea: when we have guests over, ask each person to bring a question or issue to discuss. So it can be a beneficial gathering and my efforts of cooking and cleaning will get a reward. When she calls to ask what she can do to help, ask her to bring a question or issue to discuss. When we go to someone’s house - instead of focusing on what you are going to bring or what gift - think of how you can benefit from this person or how you can benefit from their experiences and knowledge. 
• Another problem is we don’t know about the Prophet (SAW) and his relationships. Read the hadith of Jabir. Learn about how the Prophet (SAW) was with his family and friends. How were the sahabiyat? How were the sahaba? The khulufaa? Why shia etc. When people ask us we don’t know. We should read and discuss these topics. If each of us read a topic and then we got together then each one could share something. 
• Don’t expect your friends to be like angels, don’t expect perfection. Don’t share all your secrets. and don’t expect others to share their secrets. The Prophet(SAW) didn’t say we need to share your secrets. Don’t put your confidence and self esteem in anyone’s hands. 
• Put Allah as your true friend. Like the dua we say for travelling - Allahumma anta sahibu fil safar, “O Allah, You are our Companion on this trip and the One in Whose care we leave our family.” 
• When we get into a situation, we should thank Allah. Because we have another chance to fix ourself. The only thing is if we died, then no more chances. 
• Qalb al saleem, pure heart: If your friend is doing something you wish you could do, you should make dua for her - O Allah give her more, open for her. Ya Rab iftah 3layha. This is a pure heart. This is smart. Because then the angels make du’a for you. But don’t just look for this heart in others. We should try to be this heart. Are we always asking things from everyone around us? 
• Hasad, envy - We can envy two kids of people only: a person that Allah gave them knowledge of the Qur’an. And a person who has wealth and therefore gives a lot sadaqa. These are the people you should strive to be like. 
• When a person comes to you and says something hurtful - you need to take out your eraser and erase it. Not erase the person, just what they said. We need to grow up. Respect each other. Don’t say why did she do this to me. We have to try hard not to have any bad feelings in our heart about others. Everyone make mistakes. People have issues. You are responsible only for your heart. It is the other person’s problem. P(s) told sahaba - don’t come to me and talk about another sahaba. Just say to yourself ‘there is khair (good) in this person’ and move on. Don’t pass the information. 
• Don’t carry grudges. Don’t waste your time and energy. Don’t waste your heart. The time you are using to think so much about this person is being wasted in something that won’t benefit you. 
• The limit: We need to think how can we benefit from each other. But do we need to see each other each week? Talk on the phone each week? No. We need to put some limits or else it will get too deep.
• If someone comes to you and tells you that someone else was talking badly about you: 
• 1) say to yourself astaghfirAllah. Maybe Allah is giving you something to wake you up, don’t do this again in relationships. 
• 2) say no I don’t believe what you’re saying. 
• 3) Forgive - clear your heart and give it up to Allah 
• 4) Remember that you make mistakes too! sometimes you say things and you don’t mean it, or you said it in a certain way and you later can see that someone could take it the wrong way. So we have to make excuses for our sister. Tihsin al thun - assume a good intention and forgive. 
• The thing that affects your khushoo3 in salat is your heart. When you stand to pray, if your heart is worried about situations that happened, you have grudges on people - your sins make stains on your heart. Be jealous about your heart and your relationship with Allah. Don’t let anything or anyone affect your relationship with Allah. It’s not worth it.
• It’s important to have relationships - but with rules, limits & no expectations.
• When a situation occurs - we need to try to grow ourselves, learn from it, reflect on what you did that maybe you did something wrong. Instead of putting the blame on others. Judge yourself. Work on yourself. Start with yourself. What did I do wrong? You won’t lose anything by saying astaghfirAllah or looking for your wrong.
• Just like a Sumbuleh wheat stalk - when it is full it is standing straight with it’s head high. It has 3ilm (knowledge), hikmeh (wisdom), and khushoo3 (concentration)- so it’s head stays high. 
• Don’t lower your head and let the shaytan ruin your relationships and ruin your heart. Your heart needs to be clean to be able to take from Allah. If it’s not clean then you won’t feel the sweetness. When your heart is clean, Allah will give you things without you even asking. Because it becomes a rich relationship. You will get clear guidance and clear answers. 
• If she talked about you or not, it doesn’t matter. Only your heart matters.  If you did do something wrong, you can fix yourself. And If you were oppressed, it’s still good, because you get your ajr (rewards).
• Forgiveness has a high reward and it opens your heart to Allah, which is the most important relationship. And once you realize this and experience forgiving someone, you will wish that someone will do something to you so you can forgive them.
• If you call someone, don’t do it just so they will call you - then you didn’t get any reward for the good deed. 
• Also, don’t call someone so that they will praise you in front of others.
• We should compete to be the first to call and not get upset if we didn’t get a call.
• We should overlook other people’s faults and always assume the good intention. But when Allah’s limits are crossed, then we have the right to give naseeha (advice). But don’t put yourself above her. That good thing you are doing and she is not doing - you never know if one day for some reason reason in the future you might fall and not be doing it too. 
• The mistake someone did to you, you will probably make the same mistake! So don’t look at yourself as so good. 
• If you are sad don’t pass it to others. It’s not a part of friendship to deal with your bad mood. Don’t go around in a war with others.
• Your in-laws are not from Silat Al Rahm - blood relatives. But the zawj al Saaliha, righteous wife, helps her husband to maintain his relationships with his relatives. You start the good actions.
• When something bad comes to you, let it stop at you. When something good comes to you, pass it. Let only good come through you.