Relationships for the Sake of Allah

Thursday Halaqa Notes

3-14-13
MCA Santa Clara, CA

Sr. Dana Jarrar

Relationships: The Muslim is the Brother of the Muslim

Hadith:

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ 

لَا تَحَاسَدُوا وَلَا تَنَاجَشُوا وَلَا تَبَاغَضُوا وَلَا تَدَابَرُوا وَلَا يَبِعْ بَعْضُكُمْ عَلَى بَيْعِ بَعْضٍ وَكُونُوا عِبَادَ اللَّهِ إِخْوَانًا الْمُسْلِمُ أَخُو الْمُسْلِمِ لَا يَظْلِمُهُ وَلَا يَخْذُلُهُ وَلَا يَحْقِرُهُ التَّقْوَى هَاهُنَا وَيُشِيرُ إِلَى صَدْرِهِ ثَلَاثَ مَرَّاتٍ بِحَسْبِ امْرِئٍ مِنْ الشَّرِّ أَنْ يَحْقِرَ أَخَاهُ الْمُسْلِمَ كُلُّ الْمُسْلِمِ عَلَى الْمُسْلِمِ حَرَامٌ دَمُهُ وَمَالُهُ وَعِرْضُهُ

صحيح مسلم

On the authority of Abu Hurairah (radiAllaahu anhu) who said: The Messenger of Allah (sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam) said:

“Do not envy one another, and do not inflate prices for one another, and do not hate one another, and do not turn away from one another, and do not undercut one another in trade, but [rather] be Slaves of Allah and Brothers [amongst yourselves]. A Muslim is the brother of a Muslim : he does not oppress him, nor does he fail him, nor does he lie to him, nor does he hold him in contempt. Taqwa (Piety) is right here [and he pointed to his chest three times]. It is evil enough for a man to hold his brother Muslim in contempt. The whole of a Muslim is inviolable for another Muslim : his blood, his property, and his honor.” Related by Muslim

• Why are these deep heart issues like envy next to issues about buying and selling? Because our relationships have become based on materialistic things. 
• The lowest form of a relationship is when you love someone just because they give you money. But for most of us living here in America, we don’t give each other money, but we need emotional support sometimes. When our friend is in a good situation, she is our sister. But when she goes through a difficulty and needs support then we forget about her. We love someone just because they  
• The highest form of a relationship, and the best one: when two people put their hands together to go in the path to Allah. 
• The relationship between you and Allah is easier than between you and the people. People are more complicated. 
• Example: A sister used to praise you and now she doesn’t. So you go and talk about her and stop loving her.
• But even our relationship with Allah has become materialistic. If Allah gave me, I do everything. If He didn’t give me, then I stop doing Ibadah or trying to have khushu3. Do you need a great news or a check in the mail to be able to make sujud to Allah? If you woke up this morning, safe, and breathing in your home then that is a big blessing! 
• When are we going to grow up? We need to treat each other as adults. We need to control our emotions. Don’t blame it on your hormones. If someone hurt you, that doesn’t give you a right to hurt others. 
• Wa ma khalaqna al ins wal jinn illa liya3budun, Allah said He didn’t create humans and jinn except to worship Him. We should compete towards doing good. Instead of competing to get praise. 
• Ikhlas (sincerity) - if people praise you, that doesn’t increase your good deeds. If people don’t praise you, that doesn’t decrease your good deeds. We put our hands together to help each other up. So if one hand fell out, there will be another hand to help her up.
• The right relationships - walk in them to reach Allah. If a sister came and gave me Nasiha, i will tell her jazaki Allahu khair. Then i will know that she is a real friend. She won’t care about her image or hurting the relationship.
• La yathlimu - don’t take other’s rights. Don’t talk about them behind their back.
• Soo’ al than - don’t assume people have bad intentions.

Causes of Pain in Relationships

• 1. When the relationship is based on things other than coming to Allah. We here in America, we make friends to take the place of our families. Then when they go on vacation we don’t talk to them one word. Or she moves to another area. At least ask about them, if you really loved them. If there was really something between you and her for Allah, and you were doing something together for Allah, then you could never forget her. You have to make the effort.
• 2. When we let the relationship get too deep. A friend comes to you, she says uhibbuki fillah, I love you for the sake of Allah, and hopefully it is really for Allah not just a love based on benefits. Then we talk everyday. And I start expecting 100% support from this person. But people are human, they make mistakes. So when she makes a small mistake, I blow it up into a huge thing and start hating her. 

How to have pure relationships for the sake of Allah

• What does it mean uhibbuki fillah? It means there is something between them for Allah. Like the story of when two sahaba were in the market and one said to the other - Let’s remember Allah together and get ajr together. Then if this friend made a mistake, it means I don’t oppress her and take her rights, talk about her, and talk about her children. It could be that we see each other once a month - but we have something together, there is a place in our hearts for each other. You can’t expect others to always ask about you. So keep a decent relationship, respect, know how to differ, know how to work together, but keep some limits. Don’t put high expectations: don’t expect her to call you always and when you are sick she has to cook for you and pick up your children. Don’t expect anything from anyone. 
• We need to have confidence in ourselves - that we don’t need our friends to give us self-esteem. From the inside our hearts are still 7 years old. We are growing older but we are having the same problems as when we were in school. These are skills in life that we need to learn and practice. 
• The other problem is we need to have goals - something in our life that will take our time and energy. When we have too much free time then we get into too much socializing and that results in problems in relationships. Where it gets to the point where if my friends leaves me my whole life shuts down. We can get a degree, study tafseer, tajweed, etc. With such a goal in my life, if a friend hurts me or leaves me, I can easily move on and keep going toward my goal. 
• We need to keep an eraser that erases any situation that hurt us. If a friend does something, think - that is Allah trying to give me a message. It needs a lot of work. We need to be smart. Sometimes Allah gives us opportunities - we have to take advantage of them. 
• Elevate our relationships from being based on food. In the hadith, the Prophet didn’t talk about deep things in relationships - just salam, etc. For ex: lets get together once a week with my friend and talk about Surat Al Ikhlas - doing something together for Allah. 
• Idea: when we have guests over, ask each person to bring a question or issue to discuss. So it can be a beneficial gathering and my efforts of cooking and cleaning will get a reward. When she calls to ask what she can do to help, ask her to bring a question or issue to discuss. When we go to someone’s house - instead of focusing on what you are going to bring or what gift - think of how you can benefit from this person or how you can benefit from their experiences and knowledge. 
• Another problem is we don’t know about the Prophet (SAW) and his relationships. Read the hadith of Jabir. Learn about how the Prophet (SAW) was with his family and friends. How were the sahabiyat? How were the sahaba? The khulufaa? Why shia etc. When people ask us we don’t know. We should read and discuss these topics. If each of us read a topic and then we got together then each one could share something. 
• Don’t expect your friends to be like angels, don’t expect perfection. Don’t share all your secrets. and don’t expect others to share their secrets. The Prophet(SAW) didn’t say we need to share your secrets. Don’t put your confidence and self esteem in anyone’s hands. 
• Put Allah as your true friend. Like the dua we say for travelling - Allahumma anta sahibu fil safar, “O Allah, You are our Companion on this trip and the One in Whose care we leave our family.” 
• When we get into a situation, we should thank Allah. Because we have another chance to fix ourself. The only thing is if we died, then no more chances. 
• Qalb al saleem, pure heart: If your friend is doing something you wish you could do, you should make dua for her - O Allah give her more, open for her. Ya Rab iftah 3layha. This is a pure heart. This is smart. Because then the angels make du’a for you. But don’t just look for this heart in others. We should try to be this heart. Are we always asking things from everyone around us? 
• Hasad, envy - We can envy two kids of people only: a person that Allah gave them knowledge of the Qur’an. And a person who has wealth and therefore gives a lot sadaqa. These are the people you should strive to be like. 
• When a person comes to you and says something hurtful - you need to take out your eraser and erase it. Not erase the person, just what they said. We need to grow up. Respect each other. Don’t say why did she do this to me. We have to try hard not to have any bad feelings in our heart about others. Everyone make mistakes. People have issues. You are responsible only for your heart. It is the other person’s problem. P(s) told sahaba - don’t come to me and talk about another sahaba. Just say to yourself ‘there is khair (good) in this person’ and move on. Don’t pass the information. 
• Don’t carry grudges. Don’t waste your time and energy. Don’t waste your heart. The time you are using to think so much about this person is being wasted in something that won’t benefit you. 
• The limit: We need to think how can we benefit from each other. But do we need to see each other each week? Talk on the phone each week? No. We need to put some limits or else it will get too deep.
• If someone comes to you and tells you that someone else was talking badly about you: 
• 1) say to yourself astaghfirAllah. Maybe Allah is giving you something to wake you up, don’t do this again in relationships. 
• 2) say no I don’t believe what you’re saying. 
• 3) Forgive - clear your heart and give it up to Allah 
• 4) Remember that you make mistakes too! sometimes you say things and you don’t mean it, or you said it in a certain way and you later can see that someone could take it the wrong way. So we have to make excuses for our sister. Tihsin al thun - assume a good intention and forgive. 
• The thing that affects your khushoo3 in salat is your heart. When you stand to pray, if your heart is worried about situations that happened, you have grudges on people - your sins make stains on your heart. Be jealous about your heart and your relationship with Allah. Don’t let anything or anyone affect your relationship with Allah. It’s not worth it.
• It’s important to have relationships - but with rules, limits & no expectations.
• When a situation occurs - we need to try to grow ourselves, learn from it, reflect on what you did that maybe you did something wrong. Instead of putting the blame on others. Judge yourself. Work on yourself. Start with yourself. What did I do wrong? You won’t lose anything by saying astaghfirAllah or looking for your wrong.
• Just like a Sumbuleh wheat stalk - when it is full it is standing straight with it’s head high. It has 3ilm (knowledge), hikmeh (wisdom), and khushoo3 (concentration)- so it’s head stays high. 
• Don’t lower your head and let the shaytan ruin your relationships and ruin your heart. Your heart needs to be clean to be able to take from Allah. If it’s not clean then you won’t feel the sweetness. When your heart is clean, Allah will give you things without you even asking. Because it becomes a rich relationship. You will get clear guidance and clear answers. 
• If she talked about you or not, it doesn’t matter. Only your heart matters.  If you did do something wrong, you can fix yourself. And If you were oppressed, it’s still good, because you get your ajr (rewards).
• Forgiveness has a high reward and it opens your heart to Allah, which is the most important relationship. And once you realize this and experience forgiving someone, you will wish that someone will do something to you so you can forgive them.
• If you call someone, don’t do it just so they will call you - then you didn’t get any reward for the good deed. 
• Also, don’t call someone so that they will praise you in front of others.
• We should compete to be the first to call and not get upset if we didn’t get a call.
• We should overlook other people’s faults and always assume the good intention. But when Allah’s limits are crossed, then we have the right to give naseeha (advice). But don’t put yourself above her. That good thing you are doing and she is not doing - you never know if one day for some reason reason in the future you might fall and not be doing it too. 
• The mistake someone did to you, you will probably make the same mistake! So don’t look at yourself as so good. 
• If you are sad don’t pass it to others. It’s not a part of friendship to deal with your bad mood. Don’t go around in a war with others.
• Your in-laws are not from Silat Al Rahm - blood relatives. But the zawj al Saaliha, righteous wife, helps her husband to maintain his relationships with his relatives. You start the good actions.
• When something bad comes to you, let it stop at you. When something good comes to you, pass it. Let only good come through you.