Anger Management Lecture
Dr. Haifaa Younus, Jannah Institute
MCA Santa Clara, CA
1/31/13
The more we are given and the more we live in comfort, the more easily we get upset. These are blessings they are not haram, they are making our life easier. But at the same time we are getting spoiled and start thinking we are in control of our lives. So if something doesn't go our way we get upset. Once I was in Saudi, and there they live on A/C 24/7. I needed to go somewhere so the driver took me and I asked him to keep the car running so the A/C would stay on and keep the car cool. When she came back, the driver had turned the car off and was asleep. She got in the car and it was boiling hot! She couldn't handle it so she told him to turn it on quick. But that got her thinking - how come that man was able to sleep in this boiling car and I wasn't able to sit in it for one minute? What is the difference between me and him? We are both human, but he is used to hot weather and I'm not. The same situation and place, but one person was able to stay calm and the other got angry. So the problem is inside me!
What happens when you are angry? Your blood pressure rises, the blood goes through your body, the temperature is not higher but you feel hot, your face gets red, and then you do and say things that you shouldn't do or say.
What are the things that make you upset? Children, having to wait, cold or hot weather... But what make the Prophet (salla Allahu 3laihi wassalam) upset? None of these - he would only get upset when the limits of Allah were passed. Anger for the sake of Allah. This is the good anger. Not all anger is bad and haram. This is something that Allah gave us. If there was no anger, you wouldn't feel upset at what you see going on in the world and try to do something about it. But we need to control our anger. When I asked you want makes you upset - you didn't say when my son misses salat - that didn't come up right away.
So we need to control our anger, seeking a reward from Allah. Let's say that you thought the lecture was at 12, but it turned out you are late, it started at 11. You get upset, but you don't say anything. You think to yourself, I came for Allah, Allah will still reward me.
Controlling your anger is one of the characteristics of the Muttaqeen.
If we search the Qur'an for the word anger, we find it mentioned in Surat Aali 3imran,
"And hasten to forgiveness from your Lord and a garden as wide as the heavens and earth, prepared for the righteous. Who spend [in the cause of Allah ] during ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people - and Allah loves the doers of good." (3:133-134)
Allah is telling us to hurry, rush, and compete to Allah and to Jannah. Usually we only rush when someone tells us there's a big sale in Macy's tomorrow. But here Allah tells us to rush to a Jannah that is prepared for the Muttaqeen - the people who have Taqwa.
3 Qualities of Al-Muttaqeen:
1. Yunfiquna: They spend when they have, Al-Saraa', and when they don't have, Al-Daraa'. Al-Saraa' means a time of ease. The Prophet (Salla Allahu 3laihi wassalam) described a time of ease as: Whoever wakes up in the morning, safe in a corner of his home, healthy in his body, and has enough food for that day. So it does not mean that you are wealthy or have extra. Daraa' means you don't have one these things. When you are in Daraa' you can still 'spend' by putting your time, energy, planning, kindness to others, smiling, etc for the sake of Allah.
2. Kaathimeen al Ghayth: They swallow their anger. Take for example you are managing someone and they do something you don't like. The easiest thing to do is just to start yelling. But if you don't say a word at all - that is controlling your anger. You say to yourself Qaddar Allah ma shaa'a fa3al, what happened was by Allah's decree.
3. 3aafeena 3an al naas: The third quality is they forgive others.
Stories of the Sahaba Controlling their Anger
For example, let us see the story of Hasan (RadiaAllahu 3anhu). A lady was bringing him water but it fell from her hand and got him wet. The lady was a Hafizah of the Qur'an so she told him "Kathimeen al ghayth - the ones who control their anger" - so he didn't say anything to her. Then she told him "Wal 3aafeena 3an al haas - the ones who forgive" - so he told her I forgive you. Then she told him "wa Allahu yuhibbul muhsineen - Allah loves the ones who are kind" - so he told her go I free you for the sake of Allah.
We also have the story of Umar bin Al-Khattab (RadiaAllahu 3anhu). But first, let's remember a little about him. He was Ameerul Mumineen, he is from the ones promised Jannah, the shaytan used to run away from him, there are four places in the Qur'an where Allah agreed with Umar's opinion, and he fought in the battle of Badr - so he had a very high status. So one day a man came to speak to him and said "O Ibn al-Khattab, you are not giving us much and you are not judging fairly between us." The man was accusing Umar in public even though Umar was known as Al-Faaruq - the one who knows the line between haqq and batil - truth and falsehood. So Umar's face changed and the man next to him felt that and reminded him of the ayah in surat al-A3raaf: "Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away the ignorant" (7:199)
He told Umar- this man is one of the ignorant so don't talk to him. Then Umar controlled his anger.
In this situation, Sayyidina Umar could have easily felt kibr and arrogance toward this man and say 'who is he to tell me this', 'he is less than me'. But Allah told us 'All of you are from Adam, and Adam was created from dust'. And Allah told us 'The best among you are the ones with the most taqwa.' This kibr is like the kibr of shaytan when Allah told him to bow to Adam - shaytan told Allah 'khalaqtani min naar wa khalaqahu min teen.' But Allah told us that whoever has a tharra - an atom- of kibr in his heart won't enter Jannah.
There is another story of Sayyidina Umar controlling his anger. Once he was entering the masjid but it was dark inside. He accidentally stepped on a sleeping man. The man told Umar 'Are you Crazy?!' Umar answered 'no'. Umar didn't think about his high status above this man, or ask him why he is sleeping in the masjid. The man was angry, the guards of the masjid were angry and wanted to defend Umar, but Umar was not angry. Umar did not even try to explain himself - because this is actually kibr to try to show that you are right and they are wrong. He just simply answered the question.
An example of kibr in our lives today, is finding a partner for marriage: we say oh he's from this country, or he's from this city, or he is tall, or he is short, and so on - we have no right to think we are better than anyone else.
Root Causes of Anger
Now let's look at the root causes of our anger, so we can find some solutions.
There are the three main reasons we get angry:
1) Kibr - Pride - we think we are better than others, no one can tell us what to do or correct us.
2) Things happen that are not in our control - like the car wouldn't start, you were fired etc.
1) Kibr - Pride - we think we are better than others, no one can tell us what to do or correct us.
2) Things happen that are not in our control - like the car wouldn't start, you were fired etc.
3) Gheerah - Jealousy - we look at what others have and feel that life is unfair.
So the first step is to take some time to think and analyze your feelings, actions, and words for these 3 causes of anger.
Calm Yourself by Talking to your Heart
The first part of the solution is to treat your heart by reminding yourself of five things. Say them to yourself in your heart:
1) Everything that happens to you is good for you and is from Allah.
2) Nothing made the Prophet (Salla Allahu 3laihi wassalam) angry except when Allah's boundaries were crossed.
3) Allah is Al 3adl, the Fair. Anything that happens to you is by the permission of Allah. It is Allah's decree. Fairness is not something that one person can judge. What is fair for you might not seem fair to me. Allah says he will test us with good and bad, and that this is a purification for us and an opportunity to increase our hasanaat and raise our status in Jannah.
4) Remember this ayah - "But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." (2:216)
We have all had this experience when something bad happened and later we saw that it turned out to be a good thing. Allah gets jealous when He looks in your heart and mind and finds other things in there where He is supposed to be. If you are dear to Him, He will take it away from you to purify your heart.
5) Sometimes you can't figure out what is the good in it, especially in the beginning. So say to yourself that Allah is giving me an opportunity to be rewarded and to do a good deed. Sometimes getting the reward for the patience in the test is the only purpose. And remember that all of life is a struggle.
Calm Yourself by Doing These:
1) Isti3atha - Say Authu billahi min al shaytan al rajeem. Anger is from fire, and the shaytan is created from fire. That's why we get hot and red. This is all from the shaytan. When you say the isti3atha you are pushing away the source of your anger.
2) Wudu - water puts out fire, so making wudu helps extinguish your anger.
3) Change your position: If you are standing, sit. If you are sitting, lie down.
4) If the person is in front of you, walk away
5) Don't say anything because most of the time we will say things we will regret. And the things that go out, don't go back. If you get angry, Allah will let that person take our good deeds.
We know these things, but the problem is we always forget - why? When was the last time you reviewed a hadith about anger? We look up recipes daily but don't analyze our weakness like anger. By reviewing hadith, stories of the seerah, reading about it it will remind us to control our anger. We need to remind ourselves of Umar. So you get angry once, then you go review anger management. You get angry again, you say oh let me try Isti3atha. You try it and oh it works.
Other Tips on Anger
1) Anaa - calmness and taking our time is a quality that Allah loves - why not have one good manner that Allah loves?
2) We need to use technology to get closer to Allah. Send yourself reminders to come on your phone every morning 'please don't disobey Allah today'.
3) Go to the root cause, why do I get angry? Analyze yourself... remind yourself... and practice practice practice.
4) Those who act with utmost goodness will see Allah. Not everyone in Jannah will see Allah. Utmost goodness is controlling your temper.
5) Use the best tool: Du'a Du'a Du'a. If you are someone who has a temper, you lose it, and you hurt people. Make du'a. The name of Allah to use is Al Haleem. Ya Haleem urzuqni al hilm. Give me forbearance. Make me calm. Help me control my temper.
Dr. Haifaa Younus's bio:
Briefly, Dr Haifaa is a Physician, specializing in Obstetrics and Gynecology. She is a student of Shaykh Mokhtar Maghraoui in the various Islamic Sciences. She is also a graduate of The Mecca Institute of Islamic Studies in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia and has studied under various Shuyukh in the different fields of Islamic studies.
Her teaching experience includes Seminars, Workshops and Retreats in the United States and in South Africa on essential aspects of the Dīn and on the Thematic commentary of various Chapters of the Holy Qur’ān and their practical relevance in our day to day living.
She is the founder of Jannah Institute - Islamic studies for women that aims to bring the light of Islam to the hearts and lives of women.
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