Raising Resilient Children
Christopher Glover MS, licensed educational psychologist, Santa Clara Unified School District counselor
12/14/18
MCA Santa Clara, CA
Take the Quiz:
- With parenting, the thing that interferes, gets in the way the most, are the emotions of the adults . so the question is: how can I change my feelings so that it’s more relaxed and inviting?
- Studies looked at various risk factors- things that interfere : divorce, death, drug use, alcoholic parents, frequent moving, poverty. But why were so many of these children thriving despite their circumstances? They had resiliency.
4 Characteristics of the Resilient Child
1. Social Competence:
- responds appropriately
- has flexibility
- can communicate effectively
- sense of humor
2. Problem Solving Skills:
- ability to think abstractly
- reflective in thought
- explores alternative solutions
- seeks help from others
- uses available resources
- need knowledge of self , be able to say I don’t know
- problem solving activities for kids: riddles , stories with holes activity
3. Autonomy:
- has a sense of one’s own identity, including motivations and needs
- has ability to act independently (feels some control over environment)
- has ability to separate oneself from dysfunctional environment
- the less one knows about who they are, the more likely they are to be manipulated by others. The more we know about who we are the less likely they are to be manipulated by others.
- kids who are resilient will take up responsibility
- kids who have problems at home they would find a way to stay longer at school or go to neighbors house...
- emotions don’t mature. Happiness at age 5 is the same at age 90. Happiness is happiness. With parenting we are taking about emotions . How do we keep our emotions in check?
4. Sense of Purpose/Future
- has healthy expectancies, is goal oriented
- demonstrates perseverance
- maintains a sense of hope
- exhibits hardiness
- has a sense of anticipation, of a compelling future
4 Needs that All Children Have
1. All Children Need Adults
- fostering resilience: comes from a nurturing relationship
- concern for the next generation
- solving adult problems would solve the issues children have
- when an adult spends abundant meaningful time with a child their self worth increases, feeling of personal significance
- adults created The boundaries within which the child matures. When there are all community and others around the child
- boundaries created by just mom and dad are much different , they can’t play out in the yard by themselves , can’t ride bike in neighborhood
- but sometimes mom and dad are working full time , child in childcare , then the kids rely on each other for information , other kids don’t provide the activities that promote maturity : adults are critical
- boys ache for their fathers’ hearts
- student misbehaving , he would go to the classroom and take him out, ‘you need to come with me right now’ , and they would come, it was the male factor. One of the problems with our schools is there are not enough male staff especially for our boys
- accept kids as they are, and you are just guiding them, guiding kids to where they are headed tomorrow , Treat them as someone who is capable
2. All Children Need Positive Experiences in Meaningful Activities
- having a positive look to your circumstances
- provide a lot of early successes in a variety of life activities, creates a deep positive image of self
- the most time consuming thing is to have an enemy
- optimist sees a green light everywhere, pessimist only sees red lights, the truly wise is color blind.
- most of the time your children are behaving appropriately , and most of the time there is no feedback for that from adults
- we are constantly on top of their misbehavior
- when they misbehave they are exhibiting traits that we are trying to teach them
- most of the time your children are not arguing , but we say nothing
- put the spotlight and focus on the good behavior , when your kids are doing the right thing you need to respond
- the time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining
- parents forget to acknowledge positive character traits
- most of the time our spouses are behaving appropriately, so once in a while acknowledge your spouse
- the option to see the positive is always available to you
- Punishment is not supported by studies. It tells the child: ‘continue the misbehavior so long as you are willing to accept the punishment’
- the kids being punished in September were the same ones in June. That’s why punishment doesn’t work.
- Rewards also does not work. It tells the child: ‘continue the bad behavior as long as you are willing to forego the reward’
3. All Children Need to Feel Competent
- you just need a few people in the community for the child to thrive
- don’t give up your power because you don’t believe you have any
- find a career that is aligned with your passion, not your talent - doctors who are competent but not passionate , teachers who are talented but not passionate . Being good at something isn’t good enough reason to do it. Being passionate makes for a better guarantee of spiritual fulfillment and animates one’s life.
- the things you love doing time goes by so fast
- we need other people to see what we are doing
- feedback on competence: if we want to build competency we need to remind them of what they learned , focus on the right move .
- goal of sports is to build confidence and social connections
- when you compare one child with another it gives false information , only one comparison is valid: how your child is performing today compared to yesterday
- what keeps a person centered is their sense of self: knowing their talent
- we give them everything , they get to college , they drop out . Einstein’s father was so dissapointed with him , couldn’t get a job, but this led to him having time to make discoveries.
- put them in something that shows up there talents , and don’t criticize every aspect , feedback has to be in a way to preserve their self worth
4. All children need to be able to think critically
- appreciate child’s questions
- the more numerous the laws, the more corrupt the society
- do we need more rules? But it won’t work if there’s no character. If there is character there is no need for laws. When character is in place we need fewer rules.
- prompt the thought without giving a direction: I wonder what would happen if you just kept your hands to yourselves, how long can you keep this up let’s time it- don’t have to threaten or take away things ,
- create peace: by trying to understand . Seek to understand before being understood.
- get them to problem solve: I wonder how we can do things differently ,
- spark imagination
- selective attention: if we aren’t looking for something we don’t see it - we haven’t been noticing our children being competent, we are looking for the misbehaviors, and that’s why we notice a lot of misbehaviors . We have to be looking for the competencies .
- The great teachers are the ones looking for children doing the right things
- the things that will help them navigate their lives is having a foundation of love, support, understanding, and worth
- we don’t know what the jobs are going to be , the ability and the will to learn . The quality of their life is always going to be determined by relationships: the people who we have in our hearts and have a sense of care .
- we can’t attack their sense of worth and think we are preparing them
- when they are doing something right, let them know what character trait they are displaying
- tell them they have integrity, if they are young and don’t know that word then they will ask you what does integrity mean , and you can tell them it’s what you just did
- critical: relationships and sense of worth
- align it to something relevant to them ,
- consequences : they just say ‘continue the misbehavior as long as you are willing to have this consequence’ ... truth is is that everything is emotional not behavioral . Relationships is all about emotion. When emotions are in place things are better.
- connect them to their heritage , sense of identity , helps them that they will never feel alone. They look in the mirror and see all the people who came before them. ‘You have your grandmothers’ eyes’ helped her love her eyes.
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